« September 2009 | Main | November 2009 »

Date Nights

We have about hit perfection with our arrangements here in Beijing.

We have a regular babysitter.

I found Ayi through another adoptive family and we're so happy to have her. She speaks a little English but my Mandarin vocabulary is pitiful so we pantomime and point and laugh. The kids have really taken to her--we came home the other night to discover Lia still awake at 10 pm! Apparently playing with Ayi was more tempting than bed.

So every Monday and Friday night, Ayi comes around 5:30 pm, finishes feeding the kids dinner, puts them to bed, and cleans our apartment. And Shawn and I go out for some grown-up exploration of the city.

Image by beijing_foto

Our first night we felt positively giddy. Shawn took me to Nanluoguxiang (South Drum Alley), a great hutong nightspot where we enjoyed uninterrupted conversation over dinner (talked about the kids, natch), bought a cute jacket for me, and shared gelato.

Image from Toby Simkin

Another evening we took the plunge and ventured into a hotpot restaurant. I think the wait staff were amused by our cluelessness. We ordered plates of thin-sliced raw mutton and beef, mushrooms, cabbage, sweet potato, and garlic that we would poach in a heated pot at our table. But we didn't know we were supposed to order the broth to cook everything in! The waitress chose one for us, after we asked for something bu la de (not spicy). We had picked a busy restaurant (Little Sheep on Guijie) and had to wait a while for a table, but we enjoyed the energy of the place. Eating hotpot in Canada should be a snap after this--there's a Little Sheep restaurant in Ottawa too!

Image by storyvillegirl

Last Friday we visited the 798 art district. We picked the wrong time to go--most of the galleries closed before we got there, and we couldn't see the outside art because it was too dark. But we still enjoyed walking around and looked through one late-night exhibit. We may go back during the day with the kids sometime.

Yesterday we did a little shopping at the Village and Yashow Market in Sanlitun and had burgers during happy hour ON THE PATIO. Yes, it is still warm enough to eat outside here after the sun goes down. Loverly.

Only four date nights left before we leave Beijing! We have foot massage and a few upscale restaurants on the agenda. It doesn't get much better than this. Bless you, Ayi!

The Culture of Crying Children

Some days Lia cries when I take her to school.

She had no tears the first three days, when I dropped her at her classroom and she stayed all morning by herself. But for whatever reason, she didn't want to go on the fourth day. She kicked when I tried to dress her. She refused to walk when we left the apartment so I had to carry her. She clung to my neck and sobbed on the school steps. I got her calmed down and brought her inside but then we encountered two more crying children on the stairs and that set her off again.

Chinese-raised kids and Canadian-raised kids cry differently. I can't define the differences exactly but I can contribute a few data points.

When we were here in February to adopt Nico, we flew from Nanjing to Beijing. The waiting room at the airport was filled with televisions showing a cartoon bear getting into all kinds of trouble: stuck in trees, set on fire, catapulted into a desert full of cactus needles, etc. Lia can't handle anything scary or stressful in videos, but she would not tear her eyes off this cartoon while sobbing and shrieking, "Ahhh! He's on fire! I want his mommy to come find him!"

(Of course, as I leaned over to comfort Lia, she bonked heads with Nico, who was in the carrier, and that set them both off. The entire waiting area was staring at us, with good reason.)

Our guide said to us, "A Chinese child would not cry like that. When my boy cried, he had tears but didn't make any noise."

I saw this kind of crying the morning I spent with Lia at her kindergarten. From what I gathered, a girl across the room wanted her mama (I suspect my being there upset her). Tears would fill her eyes until she wiped them silently away with her forearms. She cried on and off all morning but never made a sound, until lunch when a few sobs choked through as she ate her noodles. Teacher Li came and said a few words to her, and then left her to finish her bowl.

For the life of me I can't figure out how we could stop Lia from being the loud and indefatigable public crier that she is. And that's culture for you. It's what we (Shawn and me, and Canadian parents in general) do that's so invisible, it's like breathing. And it's modeled and reinforced by other parents and kids around us. Does it have something to do with how we value independence and self-expression? Always giving our kids choices and asking them to voice their preferences? Negotiating instead of taking a hard line? I know so little of Chinese parenting methods that it's dangerous for me to try to draw conclusions about the differences. I wish I understood more.

Our first week here in September, I got reprimanded and shooed out of the hotel lobby several times by anxious staff because Lia was crying too long and loud. I admit, I was tired and zoned out and trying to ignore her tantrums, because I hadn't been able to stop them. My only option was taking her outside to cry away from the other guests. What would have happened in Canada? Maybe I'll take Lia to the Chateau Laurier one day when she's out of sorts, as an experiment.

School mornings have been a little easier. Our guess is that Lia has a hard time with the transition--taking off her nice warm nightgown and putting on chilly clothes, leaving the house instead of hanging out with her dad and brother, knowing they'll be visiting parks and temples while she's sitting on a chair all morning.

We do know that Lia calms down quickly and is happy in her class. She's always in a great mood when I pick her up, and we go to the KFC next door to eat french fries and hang out on the play structure. To deal with the problem of getting dressed, we picked out her clothes last night and let her sleep with them under the covers. Then Shawn kept them under his sweater during breakfast to warm them up. Lia seemed to like that. Today she walked to school holding my hand, chatting happily, and waved good-bye at her classroom door.

I'm preoccupied with this question: how would our children be different if they were being raised here by their Chinese parents? What essence of personality would remain and how would they be shaped by the culture around them? It's an unanswerable question, I know, but I nibble around at the edges of it. Because even after their short time in Canada with us, Lia and Nico are different from the kids around them in Beijing. Not completely different. But enough to be noticeable. Especially when crying is involved.

Xiao Peng You

At last! Lia finally went to school today, after the delays with the medical checks and the holidays. She was so raring to go that she ate her whole breakfast without a peep, pulled on the tights and jacket that she usually loathes, and set off eagerly with her mom. We should send her to school every day! (Oh wait, we're going to ... let's hope this lasts).

The head of the school introduced us to Teacher Li, who took Lia's hand and led her up the classroom. We were a little late, so we entered the room to see twenty-some children seated on chairs against the wall who immediately began clapping. Lia was quite gratified by the reception. She managed to correctly answer the question, "Ni jiao shen me?" with "Wo jiao Lia!" and we were off to a good start.

This is definitely a school and not a daycare. The children sat on their chairs from 8:30 until 10:30, reciting rhymes and finger plays and singing songs. Lia and I watched and tried to follow along. I couldn't help grinning when the kids shouted in unison at the top of their lungs.

Before we could get bored, Candy the English teacher arrived. Now the tables were turned and Lia was shouting out "Apple!" and "Banana!" the moment the flash cards were held up. I recognized many of the teaching methods from our preschool Chinese lessons at home, especially the hammer-slash-recorder that whistles when you bang it.

Every so often Teacher Li sent the kids into the bathroom a few at a time. Boys and girls together, using the row of three squat toilets. Lia managed pretty well! There was also a break for hot water in tin cups.

The last half-hour before lunch, the kids sat at tables and played with interlocking discs. This was when Lia made several friends: a boy named Yue who is clearly the teacher's pet, having been called on more than anyone else to give answers or stand up and recite; another boy named Liu, who has his head shaved except for a tuft at his forehead that Lia couldn't help touching; a girl named Yuan who proudly showed me the two stickers she earned during the English lesson. Lia talked to them in English, "Look at this!", showing off her constructions, and they talked back in Mandarin.

We weren't going to stay for lunch because Lia is at the height of picky eating at the moment (she is surviving on white rice, yogurt, and french fries.) But when I told Lia we were going to go home, she said, "But I'll be hungry!" So when Teacher Li brought in an enormous metal bowl of noodles, cucumbers, and brown sauce, Lia accepted a serving and was soon blowing and slurping with the rest of them. Talk about positive peer pressure.

After lunch the children prepared to lie down for a nap, and Lia and I said "Zaijian!" and promised we'd be back tomorrow (the school is open Saturdays).

I'm a little gobsmacked by my daughter's bravery. Not once did she hold back, cling to me or hesitate to participate in a game when the teacher invited her. I'm so glad she's able to have this experience.

Bonus: here are Shawn's latest photos on Flickr. We'll post with an update of our country holiday soon.

Beihai Park

We're off to visit our friend's villa in the country for the next two days, so I thought I'd post a few pics that I've taken recently. Things have been pretty quiet around here. Everything has slowed down for the National Day holiday and subsequent Mid-Autumn Moon Festival, with most folks off work and many having left the city for their hometowns. The parks have been full of families, and we've enjoyed visiting a few more of them, although Lia has now settled on a favourite--Ritan--in no small part due to its fun little amusement area.

The weather has really cleared up since October 1st (thanks to what were probably the largest "weather modification efforts" in history), and we've been enjoying the warm, sunny days and clear skies at night, with a beautiful full moon. On Saturday, we had a lovely day in Beihai Park, a former imperial garden to the northwest of the Forbidden City. Unfortunately, we didn't really think about the holiday traffic, and got stuck for nearly an hour in our taxi on Chang'An at Tian'anmen, surrounded by the most people I've ever seen in one place, who were there to see all the floats and decorations left over from the National Day celebrations. Beihai Park itself was really quite peaceful, and we spent a few hours walking along its pathways and exploring its various temples and gardens, before making our way north for dinner and a subway ride home.

Click HERE if you want to view all our trip photos to date.